Schools that demand conformity, obedience, and constant performance may intend to teach mathematics and writing, but typically always succeed in teaching perfectionism and anxiety.
Once these things have been learned through constant practice, they are very difficult to unlearn. Once your girl gives up her independence and dampens her spark, it can be hard for her to trust herself again and reignite that vibrancy.
We cannot expect our girls to be “good girls” that sit quietly, complete assignments they don’t care about dutifully, trade their passions for test-taking skills, and obey authority blindly and THEN expect them to “love out loud,” “think outside the box,” “follow their passions,” and “blaze their own trails.”
That’s a double standard and it sets our daughters up for failure. “Earn all your star chart stars, spell all your spelling words correctly, do what your teacher says… then emerge a self-assured, independently-minded female leader? How?
I’ve watched too many girls start childhood with a delightful “life of the mind” - with wonderful imaginative play and confidence. Adults typically melt when their 3, 4, or 5 year old girl has dressed herself up in a ridiculously creative outfit, or organizes an elaborate make-believe scene with dolls, toys, or outdoor objects in which she directs the play and has wonderful backstories for all her characters. Maybe their wild-haired girl is covered in mud, grinning at the glory of her mud creations and flushed with the rush of independent, messy play.
Then, so many parents of girls, excitedly purchase schools supplies, pull her hair back into tightly combed style, and tell her to do exactly what her teacher says and be a very good girl.
At first it might feel a little like some of the play she’s done - it’s exciting to be around other kids and there are bright colors, books, and new experiences to anticipate.
Unfortunately, it often quickly becomes apparent that she is no longer the leader of the show - there’s less and less room for any imaginative play in school, even in many kindergartens.
In fact, she soon watches classmates scolded and shamed for “stepping out of line.” She’s now told there are “important” things to do, and she will be rewarded for doing them or punished for not doing them. Her interests are rarely on that list of “important things.” Although a real “core curriculum” for any child most definitely should include imaginative play - the research is rather clear on this point - it’s hard to score that skill, so it’s often cast to the wayside.
She doesn’t want to get a sad face by her name, and so focuses on what will keep her safely in the “good books” with the authorities. This now starts at age 5 - or earlier.
Is it any wonder that our daughters are struggling earlier and earlier with anxiety, depression, and perfectionism? Even the “best” schools - sometimes especially “the best” schools, set them up for these early pathologies. No, I don’t think they mean to.
In the desperate effort to rush into early academics, the fallout is too often the very skills that our girls need to maintain a firm sense of self and build the resilience they’ll need for the rest of their lives.
Girls increasingly are becoming the victims of our good intentions to prepare them for their academic futures at the expense of their wellbeing and self-confidence. They may get the gold stars, the A’s, the honor roll, win the art or robotics competition, and perform in the holiday show… but when do they get to practice saying what they want to do and learn? When do they have the time and space to explore, discover, and develop their own interests and passions? When can they practice disagreeing with authority with mutual respect and productive dialogue?
Do we really want them to just learn how to obey and perform? Are the short term accolades worth the very real potential long term consequences?
More and more we see girls as young as 9 and 10 already struggling with nervousness. The mask they learned to make and keep in place at school starts to slip - it’s hard to hold up that long. Typically their more social-orientation buffers them for a while. They like being around other kids. Their teachers are typically also female and they can often feel comfort in that connection. But the demand for near-constant perfection would wear on any of us - and it does for girls.
The timing of masking fatigue also unfortunately often coincides with the time that our girls become even more self-conscience. Self-confidence could have helped them push back against the pressures they start to feel about their appearance, their achievements, and their social standing. But by then, many girls have already internalized the idea that their worth is measured by how well they meet expectations—expectations that were never truly their own.
Too often, parents don’t recognize the slow erosion of their daughter’s independence because, on the surface, she seems fine. Unlike many boys, who might openly rebel against rigid systems, girls are more likely to internalize their discomfort. They adapt. They become the diligent students, the well-behaved daughters, the quiet achievers.
But just being fine shouldn’t be good enough for our girls.
We should want more than fine. We should want them to be confident, outspoken, self-assured. We should want them to wake up excited about their day, not weighed down by the invisible burdens of perfectionism and social expectation. We should want them to advocate for themselves, to take risks, to stand firm in their convictions. And for that, they need an education that doesn’t just acknowledge their strengths but actively nurtures them.
This is where Sudbury schools offer something radically different. In a Sudbury environment, girls are not subtly—or overtly—trained to please. They are not rewarded for compliance, nor punished for questioning. Instead, they are given the space to explore their own interests, develop their own voices, and learn to trust themselves. They are taught, through daily practice, that their ideas matter, that their interests are valid, and that their sense of self should be the guiding force in their education.
In a Sudbury school, there are no arbitrary rules about how a girl should behave, no rankings that subtly define her value, no pressure to conform to a predetermined mold. Instead, she is given the chance to shape her own identity, build resilience through real challenges, and develop the confidence that comes from knowing she is in charge of her own life.
When girls grow up in environments where they are respected as full human beings from the start—where their voices are heard, their choices are honored, and their passions are encouraged—they don’t have to spend their adult years unlearning the lessons of submission and self-doubt. They step into womanhood already strong, already empowered, already knowing that their value is not conditional on how well they meet someone else’s expectations.
If we truly want to raise strong, independent, and self-assured women, we must stop asking our young girls to be “good” at the cost of their own authenticity.
We must give them the time and space to be themselves. We must show them, through our actions and the environments we place them in, that their thoughts, dreams, and ambitions matter. Because the world does not need more perfectly obedient girls. It needs bold, creative, fearless women. And that journey starts in childhood.
Hear from our graduate Kadija how attending Miami Sudbury School helped her overcome personal challenges and move forward with confidence.
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